I think that's what I'm finding tough at the moment - I don't have that person who instinctively knows when my smile doesn't quite reach my eyes. That person who knows a thousand simple and different ways to make you smile, each as thoughtful as the next. Quite simply that person who truly understands you... the good, the bad, the ugly and they accept it... they persist even when you struggle to like yourself.
That's pretty much the only hole I have in my life. I live comfortably, I've got a decent career, a beautiful family and good friends. I've travelled to some of the most beautiful places in the world and had experiences that my writing skills would never do justice. Above all else I've made my mother proud... hell I'm proud. I'm not perfect, but I'm pretty sure I've had a positive effect on the lives of a lot of people.
So, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer it wasn't the big bomb-shell people might have imagined. The hardest part wasn't being diagnosed, it was telling people that I loved I had cancer. Seeing the pain in their eyes and their helplessness.
I didn't go through the five stages of grief... I didn't ask 'why me?'... I just went straight to acceptance. Does that mean I've got this all sussed? Not in the slightest!!! I'm doing what I've always done in life... I'm doing the best I can.
This is kinda why I've started this blog... we all do the best we can. The fact is sometimes we get it wrong... sometimes I get it wrong. I'd like to think the best chance of getting things right is to be open and honest.
So, I'll spend most of this blog answering the questions most people want to know and may be afraid to ask. The first thing anyone wants to know is diagnosis, prognosis and treatment...
I've been diagnosed with cancer in the breast and lymph nodes. I'm still waiting on results of BRCA tests and further investigations on issues with my liver and uterus.
I've tested triple negative, which means there are no treatment options available in terms of what 'fuels' the cancer and I'm at high risk of recurrence.
The plan for treatment is chemotherapy, mastectomy, radiotherapy... what else is in store will depend on test and scan results.
I have not been given a formal prognosis; but essentially I need chemotherapy to work. In the space of three weeks it had spread to the lymph nodes and in the space of a few months it's about as large as a tennis ball / grapefruit. In football terminology - it's the Diego Costa of cancer... it's an aggressive little bastard.
My chemotherapy treatment is called 'FEC-T', after the drug combination that is being utilised. I will have three treatments 21 days apart on a three drug combination (FEC) followed by a further three treatments 21 days apart on the 'T' drug. After this I'll have a better understanding of whether chemotherapy has been effective in reducing the cancer to a treatable size.
Treatment started 27th October and it does feel good to start fighting back. Cx
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